i cant explain how exhilirating it is to have my five sense back, my feelings and emotions back. for so long i was blind to the beautiful things nature offers to our senses. the smell in the air this morning prompted me to write this. for people that have never suffered addiction or watched a loved one suffer, they probably will never understand how its possible to go so long without noticing such remarkable things, or how one can live for years in a row without ever really feeling a true emotion. today, the smell of Fall on the way made me realize what i was missing and all that ive gained back since becoming sober and becoming a mother. these fulfilling scents didnt matter to me back then, i probably never noticed them. there was no excitement when the color of the leaves changed. there wasnt a smell in the world that made me feel like i did this morning. there wasnt a thing that made me happy come to think of it. i wouldnt wish addiction on my worst enemy. who wants to miss out on seasons changing? i definitley didnt, but i did. thats because that wasnt me, it was my selfish, greedy, careless, emotionless face of addiction.
here are some examples of things i missed out on or paid no mind to whatsoever while in active addiction, things that today, i take in with the greatest sense of peace :
-the smell of the seasons changing. winter is an icy, sinus clearing strong smell. fall is a crisp, clean, fresh scent. summer is a hot, stuffy, but very pleasent exciting smell preparing you for all the fun the weather brings.
-the smell of fresh cut grass.
-the sunrise and sunset.
-the shapes clouds make and the crazy impossible-seeming colors they morph into.
-the squirrels in my backyard eating acorns and fighting eachother for the biggest one.
-the birds flying south for the winter.
-the fresh feeling after a shower, bath and a toothbrush.
-the high great music gives you.
-the peacefulness of sober sleep.
-waking up feeling refreshed (sometimes! no matter the amount of sleep, being a mom makes me constantly tired and wanting more sleep).
-paying my own bills, on time everytime. having money for all my own needs and wants and not having to ask my mom for money for everything i needed back then. (that included festivals, clothes, cigarettes, gas money, food.) when i wasnt self supporting by selling shit (and thankfully not getting arrested), i never had a dime to my name.
thats all for now but i have much more to add later. mommy duty calls, its time for my beautiful son Jasper to wake up and play hard for the next couple hours, before finally and gratefully laying down for OUR morning nap.
shelbyelton 